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    U.P.S.

    UPS..... JUST IN CASE YOU NEED A LAUGH: REMEMBER IT TAKES A COLLEGE DEGREE
    TO FLY A PLANE, BUT ONLY A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA TO FIX ONE. REASSURANCE FOR
    THOSE OF US WHO FLY ROUTINELY IN OUR JOBS.

    AFTER EVERY FLIGHT, UPS PILOTS FILL OUT A FORM, CALLED A "GRIPE SHEET,"
    WHICH TELLS MECHANICS ABOUT PROBLEMS WITH THE AIRCRAFT. THE MECHANICS
    CORRECT THE PROBLEMS, DOCUMENT THEIR REPAIRS ON THE FORM, AND THEN PILOTS
    REVIEW THE GRIPE SHEETS BEFORE THE NEXT FLIGHT. NEVER LET IT BE SAID THAT
    GROUND CREWS LACK A SENSE OF HUMOR. HERE ARE

    SOME ACTUAL MAINTENANCE COMPLAINTS SUBMITTED BY UPS PILOTS (MARKED WITH A
    P) AND THE SOLUTIONS RECORDED (MARKED WITH AN S) BY MAINTENANCE ENGINEERS.



    P: LEFT INSIDE MAIN TIRE ALMOST NEEDS REPLACEMENT.
    S: ALMOST REPLACED LEFT INSIDE MAIN TIRE.

    P: TEST FLIGHT OK, EXCEPT AUTO-LAND VERY ROUGH.
    S: AUTO-LAND NOT INSTALLED ON THIS AIRCRAFT.

    P: SOMETHING LOOSE IN COCKPIT
    S: SOMETHING TIGHTENED IN COCKPIT

    P: DEAD BUGS ON WINDSHIELD.
    S: LIVE BUGS ON BACK-ORDER.

    P: AUTOPILOT IN ALTITUDE-HOLD MODE PRODUCES A 200 FEET PER MINUTE DESCENT
    S: CANNOT REPRODUCE PROBLEM ON GROUND.

    P: EVIDENCE OF LEAK ON RIGHT MAIN LANDING GEAR.
    S: EVIDENCE REMOVED.

    P: DME VOLUME UNBELIEVABLY LOUD.
    S: DME VOLUME SET TO MORE BELIEVABLE LEVEL.

    P: FRICTION LOCKS CAUSE THROTTLE LEVERS TO STICK.
    S: THAT'S WHAT FRICTION LOCKS ARE FOR.

    P: IFF INOPERATIVE IN OFF MODE.
    S: IFF ALWAYS INOPERATIVE IN OFF MODE.

    P: SUSPECTED CRACK IN WINDSHIELD.
    S: SUSPECT YOU'RE RIGHT.

    P: NUMBER 3 ENGINE MISSING.
    S: ENGINE FOUND ON RIGHT WING AFTER BRIEF SEARCH.

    P: AIRCRAFT HANDLES FUNNY.
    S: AIRCRAFT WARNED TO: STRAIGHTEN UP, FLY RIGHT, AND BE SERIOUS.

    P: TARGET RADAR HUMS.
    S: REPROGRAMMED TARGET RADAR WITH LYRICS.

    P: MOUSE IN COCKPIT.
    S: CAT INSTALLED.

    AND THE BEST ONE FOR LAST.............

    P: NOISE COMING FROM UNDER INSTRUMENT PANEL. SOUNDS LIKE A MIDGET POUNDING
    ON SOMETHING WITH A HAMMER.
    S: TOOK HAMMER AWAY FROM MIDGET.
    save your brass, i'll take it!!

    brass and ammo donations accepted.

    #2
    That's about the 3rd time I've heard that one, but it's still funny! Will probably read it again tomorrow!
    Think Green.......Recycle Congress

    Certified Armed Infidel

    Right Wing Extremist

    Comment


      #3
      Those funny however
      REMEMBER IT TAKES A COLLEGE DEGREE
      TO FLY A PLANE, BUT ONLY A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA TO FIX ONE. REASSURANCE FOR
      THOSE OF US WHO FLY ROUTINELY IN OUR JOBS.
      I have a A&P lic and its not easy to get. Required a 2 yrs vocational course or 3 years on flight line. Just to take test When I got mine. I had the hands on time . Then a series of test to include a hands on mechanic test that was a 1/2 day. Also had a 4 hour oral board and several written exams . I took a cram course for 2 months, 7 days a week, just to be sure I was ready , So yes their HS then a lot more than a couple years at some party school. I have more faith in the mechanics than the driver Mechanics didn't miss airport by 150 miles. Like that one crew did. I used to remind my pilots AC was mine I just let them fly it. when I was a crew chief. If they brought home shot up they heard about it.
      Last edited by Michael T; 04-01-2010, 10:59 PM.
      Certified Armed Infidel


      “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, make violent revolution inevitable.” John F. Kennedy.


      John Bernard Books: I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them. Words to live by.

      The purpose of the pistol is to stop a fight that somebody else has started, almost always at very short range.-Jeff Cooper

      11,997 posts on the original Bersa Talk Still the King on total posts.

      "Just say "Lay A Way"

      "WWJBD" What Would James Bond Do?

      SECURE our borders ,DEPORT all illegals STOP IMPORTATION OF HOMELESS MUSLIMS



      TIME TO TAKE BACK AMERICA !

      Comment


        #4
        I work on corporate jets and some of the A&P mechanics I work with would rank up there with the sharpest people I've ever met...ok, many of them. There are others though that make me fear flying, luckily they don't last long in our company.

        One of our records guys keeps a file of funny paperwork entries that have crossed his desk over the years. Some of my favorites are:

        "Inspected pilot's orifice and found it badly blistered and in need of attention"

        "Replaced pilot and copilot with new flashlights"

        "Installed new assbillies in cockpit"--apparently he didn't know how to spell "assemblies". I've always thought "assbillies" would make a great punk/bluegrass fusion band.

        Bronson
        Those who expect to reap the benefits of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. – Thomas Paine

        Comment


          #5
          I remember that you had posted that on the original BT, bronson.....
          I remember thinking..... the whole expression could be a venue....Assbillies in the Cockpit........
          There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Bersa Chat Zone!

          Comment


            #6
            And somehow, to get a job fixing aircraft, you have to have 2-5 years experience. I used to work on helicopters and would review jobs "2-5 years experience required" seems the only place to get that experience is the military cause they're the only ones that don't require it haha

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